By Seth Freeman, Ph.D., New York University
A common flaw for a novice negotiator is to focus on their own needs and demands. The skilled negotiator, however, knows that this is not the right approach for getting the best results. So how should you approach a negotiation?
Good negotiating, it turns out, isn’t just about talking. It’s about listening, too. There are four key reasons why.
- It builds trust.
- It lets you avoid needless misunderstanding.
- It lets you discover the other negotiator’s strengths and weaknesses.
- It lets you discover hidden solutions.
It’s important to understand the high and demanding art of really getting where the other person is coming from in the conflicts, transactions, and negotiations we face.
Learn more: The Other Negotiator
Essential Needs
But where’s the best place to start in a negotiation?
First, a skilled negotiator has to recognize there are some things every negotiator—not just himself or herself—wants. These required needs aren’t that difficult to understand when you think about it. In fact, they’re quite obvious.
They include
- respect,
- face-saving, and
- the chance to be heard.
Skilled negotiators spend more time looking for ways to give their counterparts these things than mediocre negotiators do.
Here’s an example to illustrate the importance of this idea.
An Embarrassing Tax
Years ago, a consultant received an assignment from the New York City tax authority. Its tax collectors were having difficulty with an obscure charge called a sidewalk grate tax. It turns out that if you own a small store in New York City, typically you have a metal door on the sidewalk leading to the basement where you store supplies.
Incredibly, the city charged an annual $10,000 tax on each owner’s sidewalk grate. Every three years, the tax authority would send delinquent store owners a collection letter informing them they owed the city $30,000 for the grate tax.
This is a transcript from the video series The Art of Negotiating the Best Deal. Watch it now, on Wondrium.
At the bottom of the letter was a note: “If you wish to discuss the matter, please contact this agent at this number.”
Not surprisingly, many store owners called and demanded a meeting. They were outraged and embarrassed by this tax that they hadn’t budgeted for. The tax had the potential to drive them out of business.
Listening to NYC store owners’ reaction to a tax perceived to be unfair proved to be a useful negotiation tactic.
A Bad Offer
The open secret among the tax collectors was they knew this was a bogus and unfair tax, and it wasn’t worth suing over. So when a store owner came to meet with a tax collector, before the owner said anything, the tax collector would routinely say, “While you do owe us the full $30,000, I’d be willing to settle today for $15,000.”
To the collectors’ dismay, the store owners would routinely refuse. The tax collectors reported the store owners often seemed stubborn, obtuse, and pugnacious.
“What was wrong with these people?” the collectors wanted to know. “We are offering them 50 percent off a debt they clearly owe. What more do they want? Why are we making so few settlements?”
Learn more: Healing the Troubled Deal
Time to Listen
As the consultant investigated, she soon discovered the underlying problem: Even more than money, the store owners wanted someone in authority to get how outraged they were at such an obscure, ridiculous, and painful tax.
“Put yourself in their position,” she counseled. “You’re barely making it in a business; it seems you’re harried by a dozen hidden costs and taxes every month. Then one day you open up a scary-looking official letter from the taxman that makes you feel like a deadbeat for failing to pay some fee no one in his right mind would ever expect; a tax that could kill you. How would you feel? Mere money wouldn’t mollify you. You want someone to take the time to hear how furious you are—and respond accordingly. When the tax collector doesn’t even listen to your complaint and just jumps to a settlement offer, it may only further humiliate you, frustrate you, and deny you any sense of victory. No wonder they are refusing you.”
Learn more about the art of skilled listening
The consultant’s advice: “Make any settlement offer you want, but first, let the store owner blow off steam for a while; show him you really get his frustration, and then discuss the numbers.”
In all likelihood, not only did this advice accelerate the settlement process, it probably meant the tax collectors didn’t need to offer such large discounts.
It’s a simple story, but one that sheds light on a critical idea about the art and craft of negotiation: Take the time to listen to the other side.
Common Questions About Listening in Negotiation
When negotiating, you should engage in active listening because you need to demonstrate to the other side that you hear his/her concerns and you empathize.
Tactical empathy is showing the other negotiator that you understand where he/she is coming from. By using tactical empathy, you’re more likely to develop rapport and thus work out an agreeable deal with this person.
To be more empathic in the negotiation process, you should put yourself in the other person’s shoes while disregarding your own prejudices.
In a negotiation, you should you do more listening than talking because you may miss out on important information if you talk too much. Also, the other person will get the impression you are indifferent to their concerns and needs.
